The benefits of melting down

Last week when Brent brought home Buttercup, I was ecstatic. We had been talking about getting a cow for a while and really starting this hobby farm, homesteading adventure. Despite the somewhat abrupt nature of Buttercup’s arrival, it wasn’t like getting a cow was this big surprise or out of the plan, it was definitely something we had discussed at length and agreed it would happen this year. All that being said, when it actually became a reality, the excitement quickly wore off and panic, stress and an overwhelming sense of being in over my head replaced it. Suddenly it wasn’t some far off plan, or fun musing that Brent and I could talk about while looking at pictures of adorable cows without the actual work being put into raising it; it was real. All these real feelings resulted in me having a meltdown Thursday evening and most of Friday. Now perhaps to some this would be a sign that they made a mistake and that it isn’t the right path for them, but for me, once it was over, I realised it was exactly what I needed to fully embrace this new adventure. I personally believe that meltdowns are extremely beneficial, often happen when starting a new adventure and can really help clear the mind of all the doubt.

I think everyone can agree that sometimes you just need to cry. Whatever the reason, every now and then, it is good to clear out the old tear ducts and really have a good cry. Whether it’s from watching a good movie, or maybe just a sappy one, finally letting yourself feel the pain of something you have been trying to overcome, or just out of sheer frustration, it can help you ultimately feel better. So, Thursday night, I did just that. I sat on our bed and just let the tears flow. I was crying out of fear about how having this cow was going to change our daily routines. I cried because I thought maybe I won’t actually be able to do this mentally or physically, after all, even a baby cow is still a large animal. Then I started crying thinking about people who maybe doubted that this was the right path for me and that I would discover I didn’t want this life and that made me cry even more. Eventually, I had to just turn on some Modern Family to lift up my spirits and I went to bed with many questions and doubts still circling around in my brain.

I woke up the next morning, hoping that I had gotten it all out of my system and that I would be able to face the day with nothing but optimism and sunshine. That quickly faded when I realised that I would need to get the girls dressed to come out and feed Buttercup in the morning. If I thought getting them out of the house normally was a challenge, trying to convince them when they first wake up to put a coat and boots on over their pjs to go to the barn was even harder. Then ensued the fighting over who would get to stir the milk replacer, who would get to hold the bottle, who would get to feed her, and all my zen positive vibes went right out the window. Spoiler, I ended up being the one feeding her as both girls got tired of holding the bottle after about 0.2 seconds. Each time my routines and everything I am used to have to change, that little doubt in the back of my mind comes racing forward ready to present all the reasons why what I had chose to do was a bad idea. This latest purchase of Buttercup was no exception. Suddenly, I was going to have to use bottles and milk replacer, which is essentially like cow formula, twice a day and keep this little baby cow alive and thriving for the next 5-7 weeks before it could fend for itself and live off of grazing our pastures. I needed to check on it a few times a day, clean her stall, make sure she was healthy, figure out how to get her back into her stall without being bucked. It all seemed like too much. I spent most of Friday frustrated and upset that I had chosen once again to shake things up just when we were finally getting into a rhythm. Why had I insisted that this be the year we get animals? Why didn’t I wait until both girls were in school full time before taking on this responsibility? All the negative thoughts running through my head, actually helped me acknowledge and deal with the doubt and stress of this new adventure. I had thrown myself into the idea of homesteading with such gusto that I had never given myself the chance to feel the nerves. The meltdown helped me to reset and remember what my ultimate goal was with this adventure. Once I was able to do that, things seemed more doable.

It has been a week now since we got Buttercup, and I have fallen into a new routine. There are sacrifices of course, for example, she needs to be fed right before we have dinner. This has caused us to eat later than normal, which is not a big deal, but will also affect family gatherings while she is being bottle-fed as we will have to be at the house to feed her close to dinnertime meaning we will only get to our family dinners right in time to eat, whereas in the past we could come on our own schedule and visit before dinner. Another slight annoyance, Penny often doesn’t wake up until 8 in the mornings, but Buttercup needs to be fed around 7:00-7:30, meaning I have to wake Penny up to bring her with me when I go feed Buttercup. I have contemplated just letting her sleep while Cece and I feed Buttercup, but the barn is a good distance from the house and I don’t want Penny to wake up and be alone in the house and get scared. So, in the mornings I bring a rather cranky Penny with us to the barn, where she gets annoyed that I can’t hold her while I feed Buttercup. The evening feeds are much smoother. All in all, I am glad we got our cow despite the sacrifices that we currently have to make, and I am looking forward to the summer months here on the farm, particularly because Buttercup will then be out in the pasture and will be much lower maintenance!